Take a look where you're livin' / You got the Army on your street / And the RUC dog of repression / Is barking at your feet

So, long time no see, Internet.
My computer has been broken. It still isn't fixed, but I am borrowing one for the moment.
I'm feeling awful tonight. There's several reasons. A lot has happened since I last wrote on here.
The first thing, and the biggest thing, is that my first-rate friend was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. This, of course, is scary as shit. Not so much because I fear her ending up in a wheelchair or I think she'll lose her facilities. I'm more scared of what it will do to her head - to her soul. She's never really had anything tragic happen to her before this. Like, nothing horrible that you can't turn back from. There's been some things, like in everyone's life, but nothing that I would say has that finite gravity that says, "Well, this is so awful it is going to change you. You're going to try and recover, but you won't."
I was hoping it would stay that way, but it didn't.
The worst part for me is the fact that there's nothing - nothing - that I can do about it. In any capacity. I mean, I can listen to her, I can let her be upset, but . . . I can't cause any change.
It's frustrating to a sickening degree.
I am also frustrated and feeling small and ineffective because one of my favorite former Girl Scouts (yes, we have favorites - get over it) attempted suicide recently. I can't . . . I can't reconcile that with the sweet, smart, beautiful little person I knew. I mean, I knew her life was going to shit, but suicide? I can't imagine being at that point myself where nothing seems to be working, and not being seems like your best option.
I can't fathom it.
I just . . . I just want to be able to contact her and comfort her and tell her that's she's worth more than she knows. She's a special kid, that's for sure. Even if she's royally fucked up her life at present . . . the kid I knew was a good enough beginning to hang on to. She was someone who had presence and matter and . . . her input wasn't just input, it was a contribution.
I don't think that when you are that type of person that it is possible for you to lose that spark completely, you know? There's got to be embers of her former self buried within.
I'm hoping that this is the bottom. I'm hopeful that she'll come back from this.
I love this kid. I never wanted the type of life for her that's unfolded. I don't want that for anyone, but . . . especially her. She has (had?) fire and fucking passion and relevance.
The other thing that's happened is - hopefully - a good thing. I met someone I really enjoy. Well, I met him about nine months ago, but I've progressed in the type of enjoyment I get from him. I like the way he talks about music. He's very passionate and knows a lot about the things that are important to me. He's got an interesting way about him. He's a good father - he loves his son.
Basically, I feel like I can be comfortable around this person. That's pretty rare for me, and it never happens this fucking fast.
I'm excited about getting to know him more.
Again, that's rare, too. I don't usually connect with people, and, when I do, I'm not really in any particular hurry to get to know them. You know?
I find most people disappointing. Less than they could or should be.
This guy's no angel, that's for sure - he's got problems. But . . . they are all problems that I think I understand.
Also, there's the fact that we went to bed together. We talked about it for what seemed like a long time before.
It was really, really nice. I mean, the sex was good - it was great. Physically, it felt right. However, there was something else there that made me really fulfilled. I felt comfortable - comforted. It was the best first time I've had with someone.
Anyway, I'm apprehensive because now I'm here.
I'm not a moron. I know this could be nothing. However, to start having these feelings and then leaving . . . it's difficult. I mean, if it was going to go anywhere I feel like this lack of proximity would kill it.
He really missed me right after I left. I'm afriad he'll panic attack himself out of wanting to see me again, though. The intial feelings of desire and want may have been exagerated by the coming together and then having such an immediate and massive physical distance - for both of us. For me, they've subsided a little but there's this rolling excitement. Like, I enjoy the fact that I like him. I'm afraid that for him the initial intensity will cause any feelings he may or may not have explored otherwise to burn out before anything else happens.
I know what I want.
I want to sleep with him again. More importantly, I'd like to just hang out and talk. I had the best day walking around with him and looking at record stores and talking. I'd like to know him - really know him.
I'd like to build a relationship that lasts a lifetime and extends well beyond the superficial. I really feel like there's something lasting between us. That could be bullshit, but it doesn't feel that way now. I'd like to give it a shot. I hope I get to.

You had a chance to go around the world / But you had to be a silly bird

So, last night, I slept for the first time in six days.
Seriously.
I've never been a good sleeper. Even when I was a baby, and you're supposed to sleep, like, ninety percent of the day, I was awake.
All the time.
My poor parents.
Anyway, I haven't been able to sleep, so I take sleeping pills. They work the majority of the time, but not when I am sick.
So, I've been awake.
It's so lonely. The whole world that speaks your language goes to sleep every day and you're alone for hours.
It fucking sucks.
Last night, though, I actually slept. From about three in the morning until eight. It was amazing.
A-mazing.
I feel a lot better.
I'm supposed to go camping tomorrow, but we'll see. All the people I invited to go with me can't, and I forgot to get the tent from my sister. So, I'll have to go out of my way to get the tent.
I think I am still going to go. I love to camp. Even if it is just for a day, I really enjoy it. I'd be going to check out one of the Girl Scout camps to see if my girls would like it.
Girl Scouts is going so well this year. The girls are really independent and get along well. We already have our first camping trip planned in December.
I'm so proud of the girls - how they've grown. They are amazing little people, that's for sure.
I am feeling so torn lately, though.
I keep thinking about California.
I'm so much happier there in some regards - I feel like I can be myself more. I feel more free.
However, I also miss my family so much.
It's nice having two places to call home, but it also gets to me.
This has only been made more clear by a little social experiment I've been doing. I signed up for two profiles on a dating website (don't judge me - I don't want to die alone). One for my home in Tampa, and one for my semi-home-like-place in Oakland. Now, I am starting to think I am illiterate because I clicked on the wrong answers to come questions multiple times, so my presentation of myself isn't exactly accurate for the Tampa one. (I fixed the Oakland one already - I made mistakes on both.) You have to wait 24 hours after you answer a question to reanswer it, though, so I have to wait it out.
Anyway, here are some real responses I've gotten so far from Tampa people:
"I don't mind bigger girls as long as they have an open mind about sex. When can we meet?"
"R u n2 anul?"
"Usually I don't do this, but I think your tits are beautiful. Have you ever heard of ANR (Adult Nursing Relationship?"
Woah - hold on there! You're gonna make me swoon and I might just hit my head.
The funny thing is that this is the third - THIRD - dating website I've explored where someone has asked me to lactate for them.
Here are some responses from Oakland people:
"It is nice to meet someone with such a strong sense of self."
"You are pretty cute. Want to get coffee sometime?"
"What bands do you like?"
I am really sad that my hometown is striking out so hard.

The dream police, they live in my head / The dream police, they come to me in my bed

So, I haven't been able to write here for a while because I've been so busy working. It seems like all I ever do anymore is work.
There's so many great things that the Girl Scouts are doing, and I feel like I am only hitting them surface-level because I'm so distracted by my job which never seems to end.
Here's the highlights of my life recently:
* A friend encouraged me to see a psychiatrist for my anxiety. I did. It didn't go well. I'm going to go to another one. I think the friend is right - I need someone to fill that role, even though it makes me feel weak and stupid.
* The Girl Scouts are going camping soon - in December. I'm so proud of them for planning this trip so early in the year. They are growing so much.
* The Girl Scouts are also learning to play guitar and drums. One girl takes my guitar home every weekend to practice. She's learned three power chords so far. Such a little doll.
* I'm missing California something fierce.
* I have a new bike riding app on my phone that I am obsessed with. It makes pretty pictures of my trips. I love documenting things, so my nightly ride has become a nightly document. I love that.
Other than that, it has just been tons of work. Boo and hiss.

Where in the world did the time go? / It's where your spirit seems to roam / Like losing faith to our abandon / Or an empty hallway from a broken home.

Holy shit. This was a terrible day. And then . . .
this.
Oh my sweet Christ, Billie Joe.
So beautiful. I love it.

Dreams and wishes, like shooting stars / Coming up rushes / I want to white out / I want to white out

I have an evaluation at work this week at it has me so nervous. I didn't turn in some necessary paperwork on time yesterday, which is really bad timing because now they've got a bad taste in their mouth right before all this shit is going to go down.
Fabulous.
Some good news, though - I got some instruments for my Girl Scout troop! A local group has decided to donate a bass and some other things to us, so I am super-excited.
Cross your fingers my evaluation goes well.

She's gone / Oh, I better learn how to say she's gone / She's gone / I'd pay the devil to replace her

Another morning.
I hate this nervous energy I'm wearing like a jacket lately.
So, I talked a little to my first-rate friend about this problem I talked about yesterday. I still think she's full of shit about some things, and there's reason on my part to hold onto my beliefs. I don't think she realizes what she's done at all. She still thinks its about me losing some guy who was never mine. That's bullshit. So, I guess I'm going to have to compartmentalize this shit. Otherwise, she'll continue to do some things that are continually hurtful - whilst saying they are to not hurt me, or because she cares about me or some shit like that. I don't want to get caustic about this situation, and I'm going to if we keep that line of communication open. So, I closed it.
I guess there are some things that I thought my friend knew me better about, which is another, larger problem.
I mean, she said that she wanted me to like this guy. Actually, she said she wanted me to love him. And, I kind of do. However, as far as her wanting me to fall for him? I don't think that's really true. I mean, I've only been around him a handful of times, and I don't fall in love with people instantly. So, when she says she wanted me to hit it off with this guy, I either can't believe her or I have to re-evaluated how well she knows me. A co-worker and friend who doesn't even know me that well said to me just yesterday that I am reserved about my important feelings and opinions about people. She said, "You share a lot, but . . . your real interests and feelings about people take a long, long time to develop." If this chick knows that about me, shouldn't someone who I love like a sister know that? It's disappointing.
Also, she points out that I was percieved by others as "hating" him at first. Well, I don't hate him now. And, honestly, I was tainted by her information that she gave me about him. How do I know this? All of our other friends who haven't met him don't like him. Where do they get their information about him? From her. She doesn't present him well. She talks about how she's so into him, but then she gives a lot of toxic information about him.
And, honestly, there are a lot of true things about him that are not-so-great, but that's true of me, too. There's a lot of baggage and kind of a mishandled life. However, I only saw that side of him because it was the only side I was given.
There's a lot more there, though. He's an excellent father for the most part. With the information I was given, I figured he was kind of an absentee father at best. He's not. Kids don't turn out well without good parents, and that kid is more than pretty boss.
He's also kinder and gentler than I thought he was going to be.
He's less selfish than the information I got would make me believe.
It just bothers me that I've been told that I didn't give him a chance when I don't feel like I was given the chance to give him a chance.
I keep thinking of how everyone else has the idea that they hate him, too.
These are not, generally, hateful people, either, that have formed these opinions. One is judgemental, but they aren't hateful.
Also, everytime she's told a story about him of recent where he's doing something that's not terrific, if I rolled my eyes or something (some of his behavior is rediculous), she'd blurt out, "See! You don't like him!"
However, I don't do that shit for people I don't like. I either fall silent about them, or, if asked, tell the truth.
There's also been some times when he unintentionally hurt my feelings. I called him on it. I want people to call me out when I hurt them, too. I want to apologize and stop doing it. I usually don't tell people when they are hurting me, but I . . . I felt comfortable telling this guy when something meant something harmful to me. I don't think he ever said anything to me on purpose to make me feel bad, but the intent doesn't matter as much as the effect to me. I think he's a good enough person to wrap his head around that. She told me he doesn't need that. I disagree. I think he needs some people who are real with him. I think he's got a lot of manipulation in his life already, and he could use something different. Something honest.
I've told him all this, and, unless he's lying to me (and why would he?), he agrees with me.
It's not like I am constantly scolding him, either, I am equally free with my honesty with him.
I'm not this monster to him.
So, I don't think subconciously she wanted me to love him. All of the good stuff about him I had to discover myself. I heard general good things, but mostly bad things from her about him.
I didn't really have a chance to develop anything with him - not that there would have been anything - but . . . I can't jump into these things, and I thought my first-rate friend would know what about me.
There's something weird going on.
I don't like it.

Came to the end / Once again / Start over now / Just can't win

I'm so in the thick of things, but I feel completely absent.
So, this summer, I met a new person. Well, I met a few new people, but I met one new person who I connected with - or thought I did.
I'm not talking about love here. Well, a little, but not necessarily romantic love. I was attracted to this person - not just in a physical way, but in a way that provided me some . . . relief.
I often think, and this sounds so fucking awful, that most people are not worth knowing. They're disappointing. They're frustrating. They don't deserve time or energy or worry or concern.
I have a few key people that I love, and, well, the rest of everyone else . . . I just don't care for unless you are talking about on a humanitarian, brotherly level. I care for my fellow man, but . . . as individuals I don't care to know most of the population.
That said, I still have a strong desire for everyone, you know, on Earth to like me.
I'm messed up that way.
Anyway, this person I met indicated that the attraction - not romantic - was mutual. We liked each other. I found someone that's into a lot of the same weird shit I am into, but, more importantly, into it in the same way.
That's huge for me.
I've never had that.
Ever.
I don't make friends that easily. I have to be convenced that people like me, and, even when all signs point to the fact that they do, I'm still skeptical. But, on the converse, I usually have to convence myself that I like people, too. I mean, I don't fall in love with anyone easily. I pump the brakes on my own emotions constantly. I'm embarassed by my own attempts to connect with people because I always assume they are going to reject me. This is mostly due to years and years of evidence I have where that was just the case. I'd try to reach out to someone and . . . I'd always end up regretting it. Putting my heart on the line has been a tactic of last resort for me.
I thought there was a physical attraction, too, but now I am not sure. Now, I'm starting to think there was an attraction to my availability. Like, he percieved that I could be bedded so he wanted to do it. It had nothing to do with me - personally, or, if it did, it had to do with my tits or something and not at all with my personality. That's a realization that makes me sad, but I can't deny it is probably true.
So, a couple of weeks ago when this guy asked me if I had romantic feelings for him (while explaining that he did not want another girlfriend or a relationship but was looking for something sexual), I said no because I couldn't fathom an existance where me having any feelings for him would benefit anyone.
That's still true.
I think, though, if I had let myself, I would be totally into this guy.
All of that said, that's not what's bothering me.
What's bothering me is that I met this person through a friend - my first-rate friend.
When we first met, she went on and on about how compatible we'd be.
She was right.
She'd say things like, "Well, you say that now, but I'm going to tell this story at your wedding," when he'd get on my nerves.
It seemed like she was trying to get us together, even though he expressed that he didn't want a girlfriend.
And, I . . . I expressed a desire to change myself, too. I expressed a desire to stop sleeping with people who don't care about me. I expressed a desire to have connections with people.
So, I wanted to sleep with this guy because I wanted to share something with him because - totally aware of the impossibility of a relationship and accepting of that - I've never been able to be myself around someone so quickly in spite of the fact that I don't always want to be.
It's hard to explain.
My friend started acting differently, though, in ways that . . . bothered me, but I tried to ignore.
It was little things.
She knows I think my belly is grotesque, and she pulled my shirt up in front of him one night at a bar.
She knows I can't lie when asked a question, and she'd ask some really uncomfortable questions in front of him.
She's said things that . . . hurt me, but I tried to ignore that because she's been so nice to me in the past. I can't believe she's trying to hurt me now, but it sure feels that way.
Then, also, she's been oddly nice to me in ways she usually isn't. It's less of her actions and more of a timbre in her voice that was never there before. I might be imagining it.
So, as you can probably fill in the gaps, they're now sleeping together and he, apparently, wants to date her.
I'm not jealous of that situation because I don't want this secretive relationship they have going on.
She either thinks I am dumb and couldn't figure it out or was selfish enough to think that not telling me would make it somehow better for anyone but her.
However, I'm not that upset they're together. I never thought he'd be together with me. I am upset by her behavior. I feel set up.
Additionally, she's morphed into this person, though, that would pretty much do anything for him.
She's compromised herself a lot. She's into things she was never really that into before that have meant so much to me for so long. Everytime she talks about them, I get annoyed because it seems like she's trying to claim some kind of ownership. It feels like someone is stealing my life.
What hurts the most is, over the past few days, I haven't wanted to talk to her for any reason other than to preserve routine.
That's driving me nuts.
Usually, I can't wait to hear from her. I've never found it difficult to talk to her. I just looked at my phone a lot yesterday and thought, "I have nothing to say to her."
That's never happened before.
Even when I had nothing to say . . . I wanted to say something.
I am sure I will get over it. Or, I'll at least compartmentalize it.
I just can't believe this is happening. I mean, nothing's really happening . . . but it feels like it is.
It's a sadness that I just can't shake.